Wednesday, November 18, 2009

10 reasons why videogames are infinitely cooler than your life will ever be.

1) Sexism doesn't exist. Really. No matter what gender you are, how tall or short you are or what ethnicity you are, you are a HERO. No-one will tell you it's "not ladylike" to kick them in the face or consort with nothing but men.

2) People are much friendlier. It doesn't matter how far from home you are, strangers will always welcome you into their homes and even turn a blind eye as you steal things from their cupboards or those weird treasure chests you see around. They may even let you stay the night and cook you a meal. Also, you can have a conversation with any person in the street and they will give you helpful advice such as "I saw the man with long silver hair and the ten-foot sword go this way." If only.

3) Your reputation will never hold you back. So the entire world thinks you're a terrorist because you go around blowing up power reactors? Who CARES! Not only will you still be able to spend time with the random folk of the village, but in a few weeks, you'll be hailed as the people's saviour for saving everyone from the giant meteor and the nutcase with the ten-foot sword.

4) You can save and reset. Most people would list this as the coolest thing about videogames vs. real life, but I'm not that sad. This should be an obvious one.

5) Someone, somewhere is head over heels in love with you. Ok, you may be able to argue that this is true of real life, but in the videogame world, it's not just that creep who follows you home on the train, it's a foxy girl or guy (in fact, often there are two who fight over your affections) who is sweet and considerate... even if you are really that clueless not to notice.

6) Clothes don't need to be practical. How often have you missed some form of public transport because you couldn't run in your ten-inch heels? (5 1/2 if you're a little less adventurous) Well when you're a hero from the videogame, not only can you run in those shoes, you can make death-defying acts of heroism, jump tall buildings and show off your insane ninja skills... that's not even going into the clothes.

7) Bullets aren't lethal. Even if you're shot in the face, if that little red bar is still there, so are you. Good to know when you're down a back alley, really.

8) Rent, utilities and other such nonsense are pointless... thus, they don't exist. You can, however, stay a night in an inn that will not only offer you a bed and possibly food, but you will be more rejuvenated than any health spa could ever make you. (book now! prices range from $1-$350 per night)

9) You will never age, get the flu, gain weight or need another bikini wax. Immune systems don't exist, neither do things like bodily hair or metabolisms or wrinkles and grey hair (unless you were created with wrinkles, grey hair or a bit more body fat than the rest of the cast). You will remain a 20something hottie with long legs and bouncy breasts forever.

10) Racism doesn't exist. You can be from another planet, country or universe and no-one will bat an eyelid. The most you may get is "those are odd looking clothes". No-one would dream to ask why your skin is green, your ears are pointy or if that black guy really is that white girl's REAL dad because it's what's on the inside, right?